Facing a fear after thirty years

If I can think back to my childhood, I was never one who was scared of anything. Okay, maybe big dogs but other than that, I was a fearless child. Except for one thing. Water.

I was about 3 years old when my family and I went on a trip to Haiti for summer vacation. Trips to Haiti were always huge for us. I come from a family of so many aunts, uncles and cousins and it was always fun to see them. We would go visit extended family, take trips to the mountains, have lunch or dinner there and enjoy our time together. On this one particular trip we went to visit family who have a huge property and in the center of it is a beautiful, big pool.

Naturally as a child coming from a major city like New York and you see a pool, you immediately want to get in. And that we did. My mother, brothers and aunts all got in the pool and it was such a good time. I’ve taken so many trips to Haiti and while I may not remember every single moment of those trips, this particular one will always remain in my memory forever.

I remember doing what kids do in a pool. Sitting on the steps, splashing water at my brother, jumping up and down and walking back and forth. Children are fearless until they experience a traumatic moment in their life that completely changes them. I remember deciding to get off the steps and walk around the pool. I was only 3 so I knew nothing about the pool being deeper on the opposite side. This pool was designed differently though. Instead of a standard decline, it was literally a step that meant you were in the deep end. And I made it to that step. And I unintentionally kept going.

My aunt, my mother’s youngest sister and the baby of 10 kids, is a pediatrician and clearly loves children. I will never forget what she was wearing that day. Her top was similar to a dashiki and she had on white linen pants. She’s very old school so you wouldn’t see her flaunting herself too much and always taught us how a young lady should act.

That moment will forever play in my head. All I remember was making it to the edge of the step, continuing to move forward and slip into the deep end. I remember swallowing water. One moment my head was above water and suddenly, I went under. I remember grabbing the water as if it was strong enough to hold onto. And all I saw was white pants at the edge of the pool. My conservative aunt took off her top and jumped in with her white linen pants still on. I don’t remember the moment she pulled me out but I do remember standing by my mother, coughing up water. She said she froze. She didn’t know what to do. She too, never knew how to swim.

When Shana wrote me on Instagram saying she wants me to take a swim lesson, it’s as if she already knew my fear of swimming, water, pools and the great big ocean and decided to help me get over this phobia. As soon as I read her message, I immediately agreed but as fast as I agreed to it, I regretted it as well. From the moment I agreed, the nerves kicked in and never left until I stepped out the pool. While I know I needed this at 34 years old, I was so scared. Anyone who knows me, knows I do not get easily scared or show how nervous I am. No one would ever know cause I hide it well. Not in this case.

I scheduled my lesson for November 3rd (as if my nerves from the election wasn’t enough) and I showed up! Sorry Shana, but I did think of every excuse to cancel. Phobias are something else. But I couldn’t cancel. I said, it’s time to face this fear.

I pulled up to Shana’s home and she was already outside waiting with a big smile on her face. The first thing I said to her was “I’m nervous.” Her calmness quickly calmed me. Then I saw the pool. It was a standard sized residential Florida pool but it resembled the Atlantic Ocean to me. Phobia guys, phobia! We didn’t waste any time. I got in. And Shana was not playing. The first thing she wanted me to do was stick my head in the water. And THIS was a tough one. “You want me to hold my what and stick my head in here? Like, completely? All the way in?” “Yup! all the way, it’s not hard.” she said. I gave her a side eye like no other. Ok “Pro-fessio-nal.” I said in my head sarcastically. It took about 58 tries but I eventually got better at it.

Shana continued to show me the basics and each time my nerves kicked in. I couldn’t believe it. I have never been this person. I mean, I’ve been nervous before, but to be shaking and to be so vulnerable was not me. But it was. This was a fear I’ve been holding onto for 30+ years. And out of the blue, I was learning to face it head on.

I really can’t stand when something makes me so nervous and after I do it, it wasn’t even that bad. No! I need it to be just as bad as I thought. I need to justify this fear. But it’s not as nearly as bad as I thought.

I won’t act like after my lesson I’m now ready to enter the Olympics and be apart of the U.S. Swim team because I definitely could not do everything yet. The first lesson was an icebreaker. It was to stop this fear and face it head on. And that I did. My nerves may still be there because it will take a few lessons to finally feel confident enough to step over to the deep end but the fact that I can now do it at all, makes me happy.

Shana doesn’t realize what she did for me. A total stranger. I’m ready to continue learning. I’m ready to face this fear head on.

Thank you Shana, you’re amazing and I know you will continue to teach others and help them face their fear of getting into a pool. You are changing lives and I hope you know that.

If you want to schedule swim lessons for your family, please contact Shana Lorde of LetUsSwim

www.letusswimlessons.com

Instagram @letusswim